Kick ass moment #15

Like last time, it's been a while since I posted a kick ass moment. This one was an instant grin. It's not a grandiose scene, but it's the kind of passage that I cherish. This time, it's about a certain saying a cardinal utters to his son about erring...

[...]

“Are you going to be sick again?”
“Has the river stopped flowing?” I asked.
Snorri snorted.
“Then yes.” I demonstrated, adding another streak of colour into the dark waters of the Seleen. “If God had intended men to go on water he would have given them . . .” I felt too ill for wit and hung limp over the side of the boat, scowling at the grey dawn coming up behind us. “. . . given them whatever it is you need for that kind of thing.”
“A messiah who walked on water to show you all it was exactly where God intended men to go?” Snorri shook that big chiselled head of his. “My people have older learning than the White Christ brought. Aegir owns the sea and he doesn’t intend that we go onto it. But we do even so.” He rumbled through a bar of song: “Undoreth, we. Battle-born. Raise hammer, raise axe, at our war-shout gods tremble.” He rowed on, humming his tuneless tunes.
My nose hurt like buggery, I felt cold, most of me ached, and when I did manage to sniff through my twice-broken snout I could tell that I still smelled only slightly less bad than that dung heap that saved my life.
“My—” I fell silent. My pronunciation sounded comical; my nose would have come out “by dose.” And although I had every right to complain, it might rile the Norseman, and it doesn’t pay to rile the kind of man who can jump on a bear to escape a fight pit. Especially if it was you who put him in that pit in the first place. As my father would say, “To err is human, to forgive is divine . . . but I’m only a cardinal and cardinals are human, so rather than forgiving you I’m going to err towards beating you with this stick.” Snorri didn’t look the forgiving kind either. I settled for another groan.
“What?” He looked up from his rowing. I remembered the remarkable number of bodies he left in his wake coming in and out of Maeres’s poppy farm to get me. All with his weapon hand badly injured.
“Nothing.”

[...]

Mark Lawrence - Prince of Fools

Index

Kick ass moment #14

It's been a while since I have posted one, not for lack of grins while reading but simply because I always forget about it. Anyway, here's one I read today!

[...]

"What the hell are you doing here?" I said.

"As it appears, waiting for you."

"And Degan just happened to show up right outside my door while you were in here?"

"I've been waiting for a long time," he said. "We need to talk."

"You talk; I'll sleep. Feel free to make up my side of the conversation in case you get bored. I recommend throwing in the occasional 'fuck you' on my behalf, just to keep things true to life." I bent down and, after succeeding in not falling over, began undoing my shoes.

[...]

Douglas Hulick - Sworn in Steel

Index

Kick ass moment #13

I finished reading the fourth Eddie LaCrosse book but I can't post the review yet... have to wait closer to the release. However, there was two passages that made me grin, nice little moments I'd like to share:

***

[...]

And then the source of the disturbance appeared.
“Shit!” I yelled. I’d walked right into the same goddamned
trap again. On the plus side, I had learned where Wendell Marteen
got the idea. So I wasn’t a total failure as a sword jockey.
Maybe instead of Clift’s noble quote, that would be my epitaph:
Not a total failure.

***

[...]

“Sometimes. Good night, Mrs. Talbot.”
“Good night. You two going to keep it down now that you’ve
had your welcome home meet- and- greet?”
“Not likely.”
“Well, make her scream once in my honor, then.”
“No, that was me,” I said.
She cackled.
I went inside, stretched out beside Liz, and kissed her bare
shoulder. She snuggled back against me. Eventually I fell asleep.
When I awoke, I knew what I had to do.

***

Kick ass moments #12
Index

Kick ass moment #12

That one I found so funny.  This small extract is from The Wise Man's Fear by Patrick Rothfuss. It's no spoiler but since you may want to keep the last bit for the actual reading of the book if you've not yet picked up the novel, I put the text of the last sentence in white on white. Highlight to read it. It's a story Kvothe is telling around a fire:

     "Once upon a time," I began. "There was a little boy born in a little town. He was perfect, or so his mother thought. But one thing was different about him. He had a gold screw in his belly button. Just the head of it peeping out.

    "Now his mother was simply glad he had all his fingers and toes to count with. But as the boy grew up he realized not everyone had screws in their belly buttons, let alone gold ones. He asked his mother what i was for, but she didn't know. Next he asked his father, but his father didn't know. He asked his grandparents, but they didn't know either.

    "That settled it for a while, but it kept nagging him. Finally, when he was old enough, he packed a bag and set out, hoping he could find someone who knew the truth of it.

    "He went from place to place, asking everyone who claimed to know something about anything. He asked midwives and physickers, but they couldn't make heads of tails of it. The boy asked arcanists, tinkers, and old hermits living in the woods, but no one had ever seen anything like it.

    "He went to ask the Cealdim merchants, thinking if anyone would know about gold, it would be them. But the Cealdim merchants didn't know. He went to the arcanists at the University, thinking if anyone would know about screws and their workings, they would. But the arcanists didn't know. The boy followed the road over the Stormwal to ask the witch women of Tahl, but none of them could give him an answer.

    "Eventually, he went to the King of Vint, the richest king in the world. But the king didn't know. He went to the Emperor of Atur, but even with all his power, the emperor didn't know. He went to each of the small kingdoms, one by one, but no one could tell him anything.

    "Finally, the boy went to the High King of Modeg, the wisest of all the kings in the world. The high king looked closely at the head of the golden screw peeping from the boy's belly button. Then the high king made as gesture, and his seneschal brought out a pillow of golden silk. On that pillow was a golden box. The high king took a golden key from his neck, opened the box, and inside was a golden screwdriver.

    "The high king took the screwdriver and motioned the boy to come closer. Trembling with excitement, the boy did. Then the high king took the golden screwdriver and put it in the boy's belly button.

(HIGHLIGHT)

    I paused to take a long drink of water. I could feel my small audience leaning toward me. "Then the high king carefully turned the golden screw. Once: Nothing. Twice: Nothing. Then he turned it the third time, and the boy's ass fell off."

Man... if I would have been there, I surely would have had the same reaction as Tempi!

Kick ass moment #11
Index

Kick ass moment #11

Good old Lieutenant Master-Sergeant Field Quartermaster Pores! The Malazan marines cream of the crop!

‘Being d’sturbeted right now, sir. You’d think they’d make faces, but they don’t.’
‘Because they’re not fools, Himble. The fools are dead. Just the wise ones left.’
‘Wise, sir, like you ’n’ me.’
‘Precisely. Now, sit yourself down here and get ready to scribe. Tell me when you’re set.’ Pores resumed pacing.
Himble drew out his field box of stylus, wax tablets and wick lamp. From a sparker he lit the lamp and warmed the tip of the stylus. When this was done he said, ‘Ready, sir.’
‘Write the following: “Private missive, from Lieutenant Master-Sergeant Field Quartermaster Pores, to Fist Kindly. Warmest salutations and congratulations on your promotion, sir. As one might observe from your advancement and, indeed, mine, cream doth rise, etc. In as much as I am ever delighted in corresponding with you, discussing all manner of subjects in all possible idioms, alas, this subject is rather more official in nature. In short, we are faced with a crisis of the highest order. Accordingly, I humbly seek your advice and would suggest we arrange a most private meeting at the earliest convenience. Yours affectionately, Pores.” Got that, Himble?’
‘Yes sir.’
‘Please read it back to me.’
Himble cleared his throat, squinted at the tablet. ‘“Pores to Kindly meet in secret when?”’
‘Excellent. Dispatch that at once, Himble.

Steven Erikson - The Crippled God

Kick ass moment #10
Index

Kick ass moment #10

It's been a while since I posted one. While reading this passage in Towers of Midnight, I could only grin. I don't consider this as a spoiler, but if you haven't read the book yet and you prefer to read every nice moments in the book and not as an extract on the web, stop here.

I've read that some readers felt like this was too much over the top for Mat, but I disagree, that's the way Mat should have written that letter...

***

Your Royal Bloody Pain in My Back,

We're bloody waiting here to talk to you, and we're getting angry perturbed. (That means angry.) Thom says that you're a queen now, but I figure that changes nothing, sense you acted like a queen all the time anyway. Don't forget that I carried halled your pretty little backside out of a hole in Tear, but you acted like a queen then, so I guess I don't know why I'm surprised now that you act like one when you really are a queen.

So I'm thinking I should treat you like a bloody Queen and send you a bloody letter and all, speaking with high talk and getting your attention. I even used my ring as a signet, like it was paper proper. So here my formal salutation. So BLOODY STOP TURNING ME AWAY so we can talk,. I need your bellfounders. It's bloody important.

--Mat

p.s. Salutation means greeting.

p.p.s. Don't mind the scratched out words and bad spellings. I was going to rewrite this letter, but Thom is laffing so hard at me that I want to be done.

p.p.s. Don't mind me calling your backside pretty. I hardly ever spent any time looking at it, as I've an awareness that you'd pull my eyes out if you saw me. Besides, I'm married now, so that all doesn't matter.

Robert Jordan and Brandon Sanderson - Towers of Midnight

Kick ass moment #9
Index

Kick ass moment #9

All fourteen now set to preparing their weapons. Two-handed axes, two-handed swords (one of them a three-hander thanks to an overly ambitious but not too intelligent weapon smith back in Toll's city), falchions, mattocks, mauls, maces, flails, halberds and one very nasty looking stick.

Steven Erikson - The Lees of Laughter's End - Bauchelain and Korbal Broach volume one

A three-hander, way to go! :)

Kick ass moment #8
Index

Kick ass moment #8

Her nausea was fading. Mind slowly awakening - wandering like a hungover reveller, desultorily seeping aside the ashes - she thought back to her first meeting with High Mage Ben Adaephon Delat. She had been pathetic. It was bad enough fainting in a heap in front of Commander Brys Beddict; she had barely recovered from that before she was led into Quick Ben's presence.

And now, weeks later, only fragments of the conversation that followed remained with her. He had been a distracted man, but when he had seen the enlivened earth cupped in Aranict's hand, his dark eyes had sharpened, hardened as if transformed into onyx.

He had cursed, and she remembered that curse.

'Hood's frantic balls on the fire.'

Steven Erikson - Dust of Dreams

Kick ass moment #7
Index

Kick ass moment #7

There was a moment's expectant pause whilst panels slowly came to
life on the front of the console. Lights flashed on and off experimentally
and settled down into a businesslike pattern. A soft low hum came from the
communication channel.
"Good morning," said Deep Thought at last.
"Er... Good morning, O Deep Thought," said Loonquawl nervously, "do
you have... er, that is..."
"An answer for you?" interrupted Deep Thought majestically. "Yes. I
have."
The two men shivered with expectancy. Their waiting had not been in
vain.
"There really is one?" breathed Phouchg.
"There really is one," confirmed Deep Thought.
"To Everything? To the great Question of Life, the Universe and
Everything?"
"Yes."
Both of the men had been trained for this moment, their lives had
been a preparation for it, they had been selected at birth as those who
would witness the answer, but even so they found themselves gasping and
squirming like excited children.
"And you're ready to give it to us?" urged Loonquawl.
"I am."
"Now?"
"Now," said Deep Thought.
They both licked their dry lips.
"Though I don't think," added Deep Thought, "that you're going to
like it."
"Doesn't matter!" said Phouchg. "We must know it! Now!"
"Now?" inquired Deep Thought.
"Yes! Now..."
"Alright," said the computer and settled into silence again. The two
men fidgeted. The tension was unbearable.
"You're really not going to like it," observed Deep Thought.
"Tell us!"
"Alright," said Deep Thought. "The Answer to the Great Question..."
"Yes!.."
"Of Life, the Universe and Everything..." said Deep Thought.
"Yes!.."
"Is..." said Deep Thought, and paused.
"Yes!.."
"Is..."
"Yes!!!?.."
"Forty-two," said Deep Thought, with infinite majesty and calm.

Douglas Adams - Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Kick ass moment #6
Index

Kick ass moment #6

'I am sorry,' cut in Raest, 'is something happening?'
Antsy's eyes bulged slightly. 'The Hounds of Shadow are loose!'
Raest leaned forward as if to scan the vicinity, and then settled back once more. 'Not in my yard.'
Antsy clawed through his hair. 'Trust me, then, it's a bad night - now, if you'd just step back -'
'Although, come to think of it, I did have a visitor earlier this evening.'
'What? Oh, well, I'm happy for you, but -'
Raest lifted one desiccated hand and pointed.

Antsy and Barathol turned. And there, in the yard, there was a fresh mound of raw earth, steaming. Vines were visibly snaking over it. 'Gods below,' the Falari whispered, making a warding gesture with one hand.
'A T'lan Imass with odd legs,' said Raest. 'It seemed to harbour some dislike towards me.' The Jaghut paused. 'I can't imagine why.'
Antsy grunted. 'It should've stayed on the path.'
'What do T'lan Imass know of footpaths?' Raest asked. 'In any case, it's still too angry for a conversation.' Another pause. 'But there's time. Soldier, you have been remiss. I am therefore disinclined to yield the floor, as it were.'

'Like Hood I have!' And Antsy reached beneath his tunic and tugged out a bedraggled, half-rotted shape. 'I found you your damned white cat!'
'Oh, so you have. How sweet. In that case,' Raest edged back, 'do come in.'
Barathol hesitated. 'What will this achieve, Antsy?'

'He won't die,' the ex-sergeant replied. 'It's like time doesn't exist in there. Trust me. We can find us a proper healer tomorrow, or a month from now - it don't matter. S'long as he's breathing when we carry him across the threshold. So, come on, help me.' He then realized he was still clutching the dead cat, and so he went up to the Jaghut and thrust the ghastly thing into most welcoming arms.

'I shall call it Tufty,' said Raest.

[Raest, a Jaghut Tyrant (retired)]

Steven Erikson - Toll the Hounds

Kick ass moment #5

Kick ass moment #5

I don't know about you,' he said, 'but this feels fucking weird.'
'Tell me about it.' I filled my own tumbler and proffered the bottle. He shook his head. I went back to the window shelf and sat back against the glass.
'How the fuck did Kadmin stand it? Ortega says he used to work with himself all the time.'
'Get used to anything in time, I suppose. Besides, Kadmin was fucking crazy.'
'Oh, and we're not?'
I shrugged. 'We didn't have a choice. Apart from walking away, I mean. Would that have been better?'
'You tell me. You're the one who's going up against Kawahara. I'm just the whore around here. Incidentally, I don't reckon Ortega's exactly overjoyed about that part of the deal. I mean, she was confused before, but now - '
'She's confused! How do you think I feel?'
'I know how you feel, idiot. I am you.'
'Are you?' I sipped at my drink and gestured with the glass. 'How long do you think it takes before we stop being exactly the same person?'
He shrugged. 'You are what you remember. Right now we only have about seven or eight hours of separate per­ceptions. Can't have made much of a dent yet, can it?'
'On forty-odd years of memory? I suppose not. And it's the early stuff that builds personality.'

[...]

'Look,' the Ryker copy said. 'I'm you. I know every­thing you know. What's the harm in talking about this stuff?'
'If you know everything I know, what's the point of talking about it?'
'Sometimes, it helps to externalise things. Even if you talk to someone else about it, you're usually talking to yourself. The other guy's just providing a sounding board. You talk it out.'

[...]

'Remember anyone else threatening you, do you? When you were small, maybe?'
'I am not going to talk about this any more.' I reached for the bottle and filled my glass again. 'Pick another subject. What about Ortega? What are our feelings on that score?'
'Are you planning to drink that whole bottle?'
'You want some?'
'No.'
I spread my hands. 'So what's it to you?'
'Are you trying to get drunk?'
'Of course I am. If I've got to talk to myself, I don't see why I should do it sober. So tell me about Ortega.'

Richard Morgan - Altered Carbon

Kick ass moment #4

Kick ass moment #4

'Well, who cares what you think, anyway?'
'So where is he now?'
'Pust? Back in the temple, poring through the archives of the Book of Shadows.'
'Looking for what?'
'Some provision, any provision, for a High Priest of Shadow having two wives.'
'Is there one?'
'How should I know?'
'Well,' Cotillion said, 'didn't you write it?'
Shadowthrone would not answer.
Cotillion's brows rose. 'Not Pust! The Book of Shadows, where he's ploclaimed the Magus of High House Shadow?'
'It's called delegation', Shadowthrone snapped.
'It's called idiocy.'
'Well, hee hee. I dare say he'll find what he's looking for, won't he?'
'Aye, with the ink still wet.'

Steven Erikson - Toll the Hounds - The Malazan book of the fallen

Kick ass moment #3

Kick ass moment #3

The two men halted at the edge of the canal, hiked their tunics, then fumbled with their loincloths. Soon two arcs were gurgling across the filmy surface.

“Hmm,” Xinemus said. “The water’s warm.” Even terrified, Esmenet rolled her eyes, smiled.

“And deep,” the Prince replied.

Xinemus cackled in a manner at once wicked and endearing. After securing himself, he slapped the other man on the back. “I’m going to use that,” he said merrily, “the next time I piss back here with Akka. If I know him, he’ll damn near fall in.”

“You’ll have a rope to throw him at least,” the taller man replied.

More laughter, at once hale and warm. A friendship, Esmenet realized, had just been sealed.

R. Scott Bakker - The Prince of Nothing - The Darkness That Comes Before


Kick ass moment #2

Kick ass moment #2

'Practical Frost, the Inquisitor is bleeding! If you please!'

'I'th thorry.' The iron scraped as Frost dragged it from the brazier, glowing
orange. Glokta could feel the heat of it even from where he was sitting. Ah, hot iron.
It keeps no secrets, it tells no lies.

'No! No! I—' Harker's words dissolved into a bubbling scream as Frost ground
the brand into the wound and the room filled slowly with the salty aroma of cooking
meat. A smell which, to Glokta's disgust, caused his empty stomach to rumble. How
long is it since I had a good slice of meat? He wiped a fresh sheen of sweat from
his face with his free hand and worked his aching shoulders under his coat.

Joe Abercrombie - Before they are hanged

Kick ass moment #1

Kick ass moment #1

Spoiler alert, stop here if you don't want to spoil A Storm of Swords


***

"For once, his father did what Tyrion asked him. The proof was the sudden stench, as his bowels loosened in the moment of death. Well, he was in the right place for it, Tyrion thought. But the stink that filled the privy gave ample evidence that the oft-repeated jape about his father was just another lie.

Lord Tywin Lannister did not, in the end, shit gold."

George R.R. Martin - A Storm of Swords

Kick ass moments

Here's all the links to the kick ass moments I posted so far :

#14
Douglas Hulick - Sworn in Steel

#13
Alex Bledsoe - Wake of the Bloody Angel

#12
Patrick Rothfuss - The Wise Man's Fear

#11
Steven Erikson - The Crippled God

#10
Robert Jordan and Brandon Sanderson - Towers of Midnight

#9
Steven Erikson - The Lees of Laughter's End

#8
Steven Erikson - Dust of Dreams

#7
Douglas Adams - Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

#6
Steven Erikson - Toll The Hounds

#5
Richard Morgan - Altered Carbon

#4
Steven Erikson - Toll The Hounds

#3
R. Scott Bakker - The Prince of Nothing

#2
Joe Abercrombie - Before They Are Hanged

#1
George R.R. Martin - A Storm of Swords